“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” -Brene Brown
Learning to Love my Body
Since I was 14 I have experienced some sort of hate towards my body. I played soccer from age 6-16, which resulted in "thunder thighs", as some might have called it. My thunder thighs had cellulite on them, which I was always super self concious about. I was a size 0-had barley any fat on my body, and I felt this way. I felt pressured by the media to look a certain way and dress a certain way to fit in. What would I be without a six pack of abs? Would a guy ever like me without being skinny? How much cleavage do I need to show to feel cute and noticed?
High school was especially hard. I put immense pressure on myself and my parents to purchase specific branded clothing to fit in. Abercrombie and Hollister is all you could find me wearing out in public.I loved wearing short skirts and low-cut tops to get the attention of boys-which didn't always result in a positive reaction from women. After all, we were being taught to not have sex and practice abstinence from our teachers- so anything provoking sex was a no-no. I even got sent home once to change for my skirt being too short!
Without getting into the specifics-I had some experiences with men in my adolescents that left me feeling damaged. I felt like my body was an object for men-and nothing but that. That sure didn't help in making me like myself did it?
Although I had a little more maturity going into college-the pressure was even more intense to look and dress a certain way. I went to college in Arizona-where we had a pool at our dorm to swim in. Im a Wisconsin girl OK-it was a culture shock to see how my colleagues from Southern California dressed. I got my first credit card in college and maxed it out in 1 month on clothing. I HAD to have True Religion and Seven jeans to feel like I would fit in enough to make friends.
When I first started writing captions about the struggles I faced with my body, I wanted to make sure I did it right. It's a sensitive and delicate subject. I didn't realize some of my shame around food was a type of eating disorder; disordered eating. I spent hours alone binge eating snacks and food I had shame around. Sometimes I would starve myself, pop an adderall, and head to the gym to "make up for what I ate".
2019 was the first year I posted a photo on social media in my swimsuit since 2008. Since college my body has continued to change, which has been the beginning of my journey in understanding why I have disliked my body for years.
It didn't matter if I was a size zero or a size 10, I could still find parts of my body that I hated. The cellulite on my legs has been the hardest part to love. I've tried to hit it underneath clothing, creams to try and get rid of it, diet to "get rid of my cellulite"...allof which made me feel like I truly couldn't embrace ME for ME, no matter what it looked like.
Shortly after moving to Oregon, I was fresh out of a 2 year relationship..in a new city..binge eating unhealthy foods in between partying and spending lots of time alone.
Six months later I met Benji. I was at a point in my life where my no fucks mentality was pretty high..I wasn't properly taking care of myself. I stopped practicing yoga. I was in a rut mentally and in my career. Plus I was living far from home, in a new city and state, fresh out of college.
It was different with him..he never once said anything about my body. Only positive things. But that didn't make me feel whole. As I started to fall for him and our love grew, continued to grow as a person. I started to recognize all the work I put in in my twenties helped me feel strong and empowered in this new relationship.
Because learning to love my body never came from a man. No man can ever make me feel whole. No gift, no gesture, or amount of love from somebody else can shut down the self hate I have told myself for years. BUT..having a man who is supportive of my body through it's changes is a vital piece in my journey. The love he shows for my shape, size, and natural self has pushed me to get to where I am-I can't believe I show my back rolls for the world to see!
I owe my healing journey to yoga, meditation, movement, hiking, and books that all helped me get here.
Must read books: everything from Brene Brown. Literally. Vulnerability is a chosen path for me. The more I share about my struggles with friends, family, and strangers, the more I am able to heal and share meaningful conversations with people going through the same thing.
Ram Dass-Be Here Now, Polishing The Mirror
All for now,
Logan
